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Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
“no gods no masters” = leo
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?