I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
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It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet