On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
You Might Also Like
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…