Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
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[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
thanksgiving in nutshell
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.