the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
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Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror