Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.