I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
why would tinder want me to say this
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.