My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
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I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.