I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
You Might Also Like
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”