Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
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When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
mumsnet is amazing
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.