“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
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me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒