judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life