When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
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I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
🍞🦆
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Happy thanksgiving!
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up