when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
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a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”