You take the oxy out of oxymoron
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No