God making man in his image was the original selfie
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Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.