*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
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MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Well, my evening plans are ruined
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
“Everybody freeze!”
-November