Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
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I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.