If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
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Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.