Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
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I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only