I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
the #horror is real!
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.