I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
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watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
mood
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late