ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
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Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE