My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…