I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
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Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*