With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
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Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
new career option?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Shower sex be like:
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
🔦🌙👣
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits