[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
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When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.