Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
The prophecy is fulfilled
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating