If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
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Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.