I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
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WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)