It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
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My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
The two types of wives
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.