I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
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What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.