If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
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These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”