[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
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Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
IT’S-A ME,
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?