I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
You Might Also Like
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.