“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My dating profile:
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
The pasta is now
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-