Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
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Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.