*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
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Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Cat is stressing him out.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.