Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
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thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u