“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.