Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.