I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
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warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
happy mother’s day❤️
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to