Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Bring back the McRib
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Quadruple digit IQ
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens