A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
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Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
When ur friends with white people
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
seems like a niche market
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.