Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
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Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Sunday
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.