If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
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Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
asking santa clause for nudes
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
lol
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”