My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
You Might Also Like
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!