The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
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My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.