The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
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Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Aaaa…CHOO!
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.