if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
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*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
They must have gotten it to go.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.